we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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