omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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