sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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