saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
