i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
