I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
