my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
