Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.