I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
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I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.