I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal