so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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