The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
