i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
