you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
