just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
