I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Boobs are out for the taking
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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