my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
