Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize