I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
