Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
