speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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