Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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