I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
