I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You are a genius and a whore.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
