I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
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When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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