I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
