Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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