Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
