I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
