May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
