She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
