I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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