He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
