Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
