This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
