Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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