i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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