how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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