well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
