You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
