you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
