I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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