I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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