so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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