I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
