you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
