We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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