I hate all girls vehemently.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
