you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
