Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
