I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
