I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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