Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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