Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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