captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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