I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
