Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
