He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
