tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
