If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
my liver is dry heaving
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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