im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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