Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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