seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
