I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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