WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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