I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
