Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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