so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dick very happy bro
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
